Holding - Day 37

Daddy and Ellie for the first time 

Mom and Ellie for the first time

Dad with Ellie 

Mom and Rex for the first time

Mom and Rex

Dad and Rex for the first time

Dad and Rex

This is our usual set up, lights dimmed and lots of 3 hour conversations 

We had a great day today. We went to church this morning. I love how wherever we go there is a network of people who will love and care for us because of the church. We have been going to church at the same ward since we got here and my new friends and the sister missionaries always greet me after and ask how Rex and Ellie are doing.

After church we went up to see the babies. Rex and Ellie have been having issues with reflux lately. The breast milk they are getting is being fortified from 20 calories per ml to 24 calories per ml. Right now their doctor, Dr. Lewis, says that nutrition is one of the best things we can do for them. Good nutrition will help their brains grow (and in Rex's case continue to heal), it will help them put on weight, and it will help them fight infection. Because the breast milk is fortified and their little digestive systems aren't really ready to eat for another three months, they have been spitting up. This can be very dangerous if they end up aspirating the milk into their lungs. Their lungs aren't really mature enough to breathe for another three months.

Often when they have reflux they also have a bradycardia. This is where their heart rate drops, and then their oxygen saturation drops along with it. Obviously this is scary. The doctors say that even term babies have bradycardia events, they just aren't on monitors so we don't see it as much. Rex had enough bradys yesterday that they decided to advance his feeding tube from his stomach to the beginning of his intestines. Since they did that he has had less reflux and less bradys! They even were able to increase his feeds.

Rex has been getting amphotericin to treat his fungal infection and today was the last dose! This is the drug that wipes him out pretty good so it will be so nice for him to be done and hopefully be a little more alert. After the last dose tonight they will pull out his PICC line. Any line in him is a chance for infection so we are happy about that. Both babies are on full feeds for their body weight as well.

This brings me to the best part of our day today. We held them for three hours. The first time I held Ellie was July 3rd. Then the night of July 4th while the fireworks were going on outside the window Charlie got to hold Ellie and I got to hold Rex. We have been able to hold them everyday since. They were both a month old before we were ever able to hold them. This is not how I thought holding my babies for the first time would be, but it was oh so sweet. Getting them in and out of their incubators is stressful for them, so when we do hold them they like us to do it for 3-4 hours straight. Charlie will hold Rex one night and I will hold Ellie and then we switch the next night. My favorite part is when the nurse walks out of the room for a few minutes and we are alone. My husband, me, our son, and our daughter are finally together. It feels like heaven.

I kind of feel like the experience of being pregnant got ripped away from me. I loved being pregnant and feeling both of them kick me. Now I think that I took that 23 week experience for granted. The first time I held Ellie one of the first things I noticed was that I could feel her breath on me. Her little head looks small when she is in her incubator, but I can really tell how small she is when I hold her on my chest. Having her so close to my skin I felt like telling her, "Welcome back, I've missed you." I truly have missed our babies this past month, I've missed feeling them so close to me 24/7 and knowing they were safe inside me 24/7. Leaving the NICU every night feels like I'm leaving a piece of myself there. Like someone took a piece of my heart away and locked it up far away from me. Holding Rex and Ellie for the first time filled me up emotionally and I felt whole again.