Finding Out

Ok, so I've gone back and read some of my posts. Let's be honest they were dramatic. Apparently I had a lot of hormones and emotions raging, but that's what fertility drugs do to ya! I started this blog to help me record and be able to look back on all the ups and downs of my life with Charlie. And trying to have our first baby definitely had some ups and downs. I love that I can go back and read how I felt, unedited and raw. Just like I want to remember when we found out we were pregnant for the first time.

We have waited and prayed and worked for this baby for so so long.

We both decided to test at night on day 35 of Clomid. I didn't want to possibly be disappointed in the morning and have to go to work right away. That night we planned to go to the gym at 6:15 so I could work with my spin instructor on some training I was doing. Right before Charlie got home she called me and said that some things had come up and she couldn't work with me that night. So naturally we skipped the gym all together.

I was sitting on the couch when Charlie walked in and told him about the change of plans. He sat down and then followed the usual how was your day questions. After like two minutes of that we both just looked at each other and I said we should just do it now, I don't want to but I need to know. Charlie is my rock and he understands me more than I understand myself sometimes. I've never had a panic attack and I now feel so much sympathy for people who experience them on a regular basis. I peed on the stick and set it on the counter, walked out into the hallway and Charlie gave me a big hug. I remember hugging him and crying for no good reason. All I did was pee on a stick and I was losing it. I think I just remembered all the tests I had taken the summer before when I had no periods because of PCOS and totally thought I was pregnant.

We just hugged for the two minutes and he told me that no matter what happened, either way it went we still had each other and things would be ok. I know this probably sounds like I was way too worked up about a simple pregnancy test but it was everything to me in that moment. When the two minute wait was up I held Charlie's hand and walked back toward the bathroom. I couldn't even go in or look at it. That's when my panic attack started, I couldn't breathe and I couldn't stand. By this point I was sobbing uncontrollably. I remember squatting down on the bathroom floor still holding his hand, telling him I just could not look.

I asked him what it said and he said I don't know, how do you read these things? I love my man so much, this almost just made me laugh in the moment and was exactly what I needed. I pulled myself together and stood up. A strong line for the control and a faint blue line for the test. I freaked out, I honestly didn't think it was going to work. Not wanting me to be hurt and wanting to be sure, Charlie said we don't know for sure, where are the instructions? I had thrown them away with the box that the test came in after I used the other test in the box last summer. So we took another one that I did have instructions for. Another faint second line. I'm trying to convince him that we really are pregnant and he is saying he wants to sure.

I think we were both elated but scared to really let ourselves be so happy. So we made a plan, go get another test - the kind that doesn't have lines but says pregnant or not pregnant - and then go get burritos from my favorite place. We spent more on the digital pregnancy test then we did on dinner. While we were eating at the restaurant we hesitantly celebrated and imagined. We got home and the little words on the screen of that digital pregnancy test made it real. Rookies I know.

Both our families knew we were testing that day, and were texting me saying they were thinking of us and hopeful. We told Charlie's sister that the doctor had asked us to wait to test until Monday (we were all getting together for dinner on Sunday). That tricked most of his family but I'm pretty sure she had it figured out from the get go. My mom was in Idaho falls and my dad was in Oregon on business. As soon as I faced time my mom and told her to hop on Google Hangouts so we could talk with her and dad I think she knew. My parents were so happy and grateful and Charlie's family was so sweet. His dad started to tear up when we told him. His sister Jillian (who should have her babe any day now) cried a little. We told them by giving our niece Audrey a birthday present that said "I'm finally getting a Young cousin."

It has been the biggest blessing in our life to find out we are expecting. For a while we felt like nothing was working, trying to make decisions about work and kids and where we live. It felt like all the good things we wanted just were not going to happen and it was hard to understand why. This baby is the best thing and this news was so needed for both of us.

If you read through the whole thing I am impressed. I want this written down so I can go back and look at it and remember my raw feelings. And this blog is the place for me to put all those things.