You know better than I

I just need to take a little time out from working on my homework right now and write down what I am feeling. Sometimes writing is all I can do to work through my feelings. Tonight my sister in law and her husband told us they were pregnant with their second baby! I am so excited to be an aunt again and so happy for them. At the same time it took everything that I had not to break down and sob in front of my whole family tonight.

We have been trying to get pregnant for three months now. And have had some issues with my fertility. I know three months isn't that long and I know that these things take time. But I have wanted to have a baby for two years. I've been working my butt off to finish school. I think now that it is a possibility I expect it just to happen right away. It happened right away for my sister in law and brother in law, both times.

To be totally honest, I'm jealous. She has something that I want to have right now. But for some reason I don't have it yet. It doesn't change how excited I am for her. It doesn't change the fact that I still want a baby now. I'm nervous about what I am going to be doing in January. Charlie and I will both be job searching this winter and hopefully have what we need lined up for the new year. I told Charlie tonight that I really just don't want to face the fact that what I wanted to be doing in January (being a mom) isn't happening, and that scares me.

But you can't have fear and faith at the same time. I know that, I've always known that. But how do you do that? I'm not going to pretend to feel not feel an emotion that is so real and so raw. But if I truly have faith in Heavenly Father's timing in building our family then I won't be scared. I know that is true.

So over the next three months of trying I am going to just choose faith. That's all I think that I can do. Every time I get nervous about having a baby or get worried about what I am going to be doing in January I am literally going to say out loud, "You know better than I." Is that tacky? Probably. Oh well. I have to figure out how to choose faith. And faith is an action.